Sleepwalking

I don’t know how I got here.

These words manifest themselves in the oddest of situations.

You know how you drive your car to a destination, and once you get there, you think to yourself… “Gosh, I don’t even remember driving here”? That happens to me more often than I like to admit… and I know the reason… My mind is in overdrive thinking about a gazillon things, yet somehow I miraculously still get to where I’m going.

Autopilot.

Imagine if that scenario takes over in other areas. You just do what you have to to get though the day. And then you wake up and realize you’ve been sleepwalking though life.

I am Shelli, and I am a sleepwalker.

It became evident yesterday when I had that “how did I get here” moment.

I was drying my hair in the bathroom listening to the radio. I put on my makeup. I put on my earrings and ring, and got dressed.

I made lunch for David.

I drove him to school. I dropped him off, hung up his jacket under his cubby and set out his breakfast at the table with his friends.

I drove home, along the way stopping at Dunkin Donuts for my large coffee with just cream please.

I got home and turned on my laptop, dialed in for my 9am meeting with my boss.

And it hit me.

I didn’t remember how I got to my chair. Two and a half hours of my morning routine, and I couldn’t recall being mentally awake for any of it.

In the middle of my one-on-one with my manager (coincidentally a development meeting about my career)….. I blurted it out.

“I don’t know if I can do this job anymore.”

Wait, did I really just say that, or did I imagine it up in my head??

Nope, I said it.

My boss is a dear friend of mine. We were friends and co-workers long before she managed my team. She was a bit taken back, rightfully so. But considering what I’ve been though lately, she was not very surprised at all.

We continued to chat, and normally the chat always helps me set my head back on straight. The message we agreed on, “think through my feelings, reevaluate, work will always wait”. But the thought of that….. it wasn’t the waiting part that made me feel better.

I couldn’t care less what was waiting. In fact, I wished that the work would just disappear.

After I hung up I had the worst pain in my stomach, like my heart took a nose dive to my knees. What am I thinking?? How did I get here?

And, now that I am at this crossroads of sorts, what do I do? I’ve always loved my work, I defined myself by my strong work ethic. So it seem very odd to say I am questioning that.

Maybe it’s the role I’m in, or maybe it’s just the personal stress starting to corrode away my energy, and my passion. Whatever it is, I need to figure this out. Tape some options up on a dartboard or something and fire away. I just can’t be in this state of mind anymore.

I guess the first thing to do it stop sleepwalking. Because, sleepwalking whether traditional or non-traditional, is most definitely not a good thing.

In fact, it can be downright dangerous.

2 thoughts on “Sleepwalking

  1. It seems like everyone I’ve been reading about is going through this. I think things just ebb and flow and we have to think long term, not react to the present. It’s so hard!

  2. I wonder sometimes if we are all sleep-walking through life. I am certain I sleep-walk through some parts of my day, but I continue to hope that I am not too bust thinking about what life is like or should be like instead of enjoying it. How do you snap yourself out of it? For me, I take the time to sit and relax with my daughter. Seeing her fascination with things I take for granted (dirt, bugs, grass…) reminds me what life is all about.

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