Inside out and left behind

So its been awhile since I talked about infertility stuff. Why? I don’t know. It’s just a monkey on your back always there, weighing you down. Sometimes you get so tired of paying attention to it.

Sometimes you just want it to let go for awhile.

I’ve been trying to take a break from my obsession while I wait out the obligatory two cycles since my loss last month.

I’m waiting (patiently) for AF to arrive…. any day now. Then one more protected cycle until my first foray into the “hoochie coochie science lab”. That’s what S. and I are calling it. We can’t be trusted to not make light of a very intense and important situation.

It’s that old adage, if I didn’t laugh about it, I’d cry.

So, as I been healing from this latest loss, I seem to have become a magnet for pregnant women. Most notably, in my workplace. It seems that fertility does not have to be in the water for a team of people who work together. I work with a couple dozen women (men too, but we are not counting them right now) and on my immediate team, three are expecting. We are in three countries, and 4 time zones, but somehow pregnancy comes in waves far from the office water cooler.

I bring this up because one co-worker was pregnant the same time I was (she went on to have a lovely girl, and I had my first loss). She is pregnant again, with #2 and #3. While I wish her nothing but happiness, inside I feel broken.

The thought occurred to me that not only am I being lapped, but lapped twice over.

This is one of the most stinging realities of infertility/RPL. Other people are adding to or completing their families, and here I am.

Left behind.

I do a pretty good job of staying positive. All things considered.

It’s in the quiet moments at night when I worry and stew. Will this work? Should I keep going? What the hell is wrong with me??? How could I have produced one little person of perfection and NOW can’t stay pregnant anymore? What did I do to deserve this? Is this a message I clearly do not want to hear? Am I doomed to fail, over and over and over?

Unfortunately, my obsession with my cycle, peeing on my FM sticks and OPKs, waiting the 2WW, and monitoring symptoms has evolved to an even worse habit… losing faith.

I am more crazed with baby lust than ever. But as the years creep forward, I wonder when S. and I will decide how much more we can take.

And the irony?????

Because I have been a textbook patient in the past, normal cycles, getting pregnant on my own, (albeit not on the most stellar schedule) I did not need to seek the help of a Reproductive Endocrinologist until earlier this year (after loss #2 when I got nervous that something really was wrong).

So, here I am JUST getting into the ‘big guns’ if you will. Three cycles of injections and IUI coming up, and then, IVF looming on the horizon.

And I am already tired.

I know so many of you who have been at this for YEARS, and here I am, feeling desolate and worn out in only two. AND I HAVEN’T EVEN got into the technical part of infertility treatment.

I truly don’t know how you all do it (you are much stronger than me).

I feel like faith will end up being the only thing that will keep me going, but how in the world do you restore faith when you are handed such crappy cards?

This is the only place I allow myself feel sorry for me. Because in real life (outside of bloggityville) people expect so much more from me. I am usually the person OTHER people go to for help. I am the nuturing one. The shoulder to lean on. The listening ear. The fixer.

And in this situation, I find myself needing someone to fill that for me. But others don’t see that. They just think I am plugging along on my own just fine.

And I am certainly not fine by a longshot.

Boy, do I need this vacation.

7 thoughts on “Inside out and left behind

  1. I hope your vacation helps restore your faith and soothe your soul.I mean if all of the poor castmembers stuffed into really big hot suits pretending to be happy and enjoying your children while sweat pours off of them don’t make you feel better, what will?

  2. hang in there. I went through the fertility machine for my first two (although my journey was VERY easy). Don’t let it get you down. Remember you are not alone and you will get through it!!!

  3. There are just no simple answers, and I am sure that is incredibly frustrating. You just have to let yourself be sad and angry and frustrated and keep plugging along. I know it might not feel like it, but I think you are doing everything right, and how you feel can only be completely natural. –MM

  4. Shelli, I am so sorry you are going through this. I had fertility issues for years as well and I know your pain. You are a strong person and you WILL get through this. I am sending happy vibes your way.

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