Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It’s as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.
Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.
Dr. V says we now have to just “wait it out”. One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage…. unless there’s any sign of infection or trouble.
My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don’t want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).
If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.
So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I’ll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.
So what about the future?
The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn’t work, then straight to IVF.
I’ve been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I’m stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it’s like you can hear the cash register “CHA-CHING!” I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.
I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn’t even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role… So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can’t do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I’ve always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.
I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.
This is a path I have not traveled before. It’s a little scary.