I have to admit, I was pretty unraveled on Friday. It seems each time this happens, I am propelled into a place I don’t like to be and a strange place for me. I wanted to be alone. I did not answer the phone. I went to bed after I wrote the last post, and literally did not get up until Saturday. I cried for so long my eyes were swollen until Sunday. I was disappointed, yes, heartbroken, yes… but I had another reaction that surprised me.
I was mad. So mad. Angry. Pissed. Four miscarriages, FOUR!!! How could this kind of torment be bestowed upon someone like me? Why can’t this happen for me, when there are ungrateful mothers out there, mothers who abandon children, mothers who give away their babies?
And now, I am in the place I hate most… the inbetween time. When you still feel pregnant but know that the reality is there is yet another missing life that did not get a chance.
I am waiting for the RE’s office to call for my surgery time. I have another u/s tomorrow to reconfirm and D&E will probably be scheduled Thursday because of the holiday.
The D&E scares me, I admit it. I had my first one last April of 2006 (my 1st m/c at 11 weeks) and spending the day in a cold bed waiting to be put under is the worst feeling. My last experience wasn’t painful, it was just emotional torture.
And now I have to go back to the hospital once again, to the same floor, same procedure, same emotions. Where every doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist asks the same first question…. “what are you here for today?” I think I will just bring a flash card with D&E printed in 72 pt font and stick it on my head so they don’t remove my kidney or something.
To be honest, I don’t remember much of what Dr. P said after my u/s Friday. I sat in his office afterwards frozen, the only thing I was thinking about was driving two miles down the road to see S. at work and have him hold me.
Dr. P just shook his head in disbelief, as he reviewed my chart. He said he wanted to take the fetal tissue and do a genetic workup to see if there’s any explanation that would help explain what has gone wrong with my body since I had David in 2003.
I am not looking forward at the moment. In fact, I can’t see past this week at the moment. S. feels so out in left field, he just does not know what I am feeling and he himself is disappointed and desperate. It’s hard to stay positive when you keep getting knocked down. So hard.
What will we do????
It’s a question for another day I guess.