The longest wait

The 2WW is the longest two weeks for a woman on a mission to have a baby. I was very fortunate to have my first pregnancy come so easy. I guess I “missed out” on the obsessive part of TTC(trying to conceive). Boy, am I getting that back in spades now.

Each month revolves in the same fashion:
new cycle
excitement
wait for ovulation
wait 2 weeks
hope and pray
test
disappointment
start over

I have an OB/GYN visit looming in the near future to uncover any issues. Part of me wishes I had none, but the other part says YES tell me that I have some sort of defect that I can fix. I’m a fixer and a perfectionist, so I live in the world of concrete answers.

Don’t paint me a picture… just give me the facts.

I guess that is why I am so uncomfortable in this limbo right now. I was so sure I’d be pregnant again soon after the miscarriage. I thought, yeah, 4 months… tops. Well, the fact is time really does a number on you with a failed pregnancy. I was pregnant for three months before I found out it wasn’t viable. The biggest let down.

Then I had to wait two months to get the plumbing back on track. Truth be told, I needed those two months to heal mentally, and I am glad I waited it out. So, we started trying again in June.

And, here we are again. November is just around the bend. Wow, if I only could have seen the future back then.

Oddly, it seems like eons ago. Like another life almost, and yet it’s only been a year.

We are planning a family trip in May. It’s like the whole world hinges on the thought, “I could be pregnant then so….” I can’t do that anymore. And although it’s exhilarating to be freed from the ball and chain of scheduling to the calendar…. I feel like I am giving up on myself too soon.

I don’t want to give up on me.

I was just thinking that I really, really don’t feel like I could be pregnant this cycle. I keep trying to remember what it feels like when I was newly pg, and I just can’t remember, and it drives me crazy. I want to know yet I don’t want to know.

I’m tired of being the odd-woman out. But I never seem to tire of the idea that my dream is just around the corner.

Conflicted? Absolutely.
Hopeful? Hell yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

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