I am bummed today. It all started when I took David to preschool this AM. With the start of the new “school” year and the end of summer, new and old faces were aplenty. Most notably, I ran into two mommy-acquaintances bringing back their toddlers to daycare after an absence.
Mommy 1: “Oh, Hi! so great to see you. Wow, David is sooo big”
Me: “Hey! Great to see you, what have you been doing?”
Mommy 1: “I just had another baby! What’s going on with you… I expected you’d be pregnant by now.”
Me: “uuuuuuh, yeah. Working on it. Really working on it”
Mommy 2:”Hi, great to see you!”
Me: “Likewise, your [son/daughter] is getting so big!”
Mommy 2: “He/she is a big brother/sister now! I just had a baby. Is David a big brother or sister yet?”
Me: “wow, congratulations! ummmmm, no, not yet”
Do you hear that …….? It’s the sound of a pin dropping……
Annnnd… the conversations trail off. And I lurk out of sight. Did I feel like saying what has really been going on… “Yeah, I was pregnant in February, but had a miscarriage in late April.” “Did I mention the suspected chemical pregnancy last month that went south?” “Yeah, it’s been difficult, but we [husband and I] are still trying.” “My hubby is sick of me spending money on Ovulation Predictor Kits and Home Pregnancy Tests”
at the end of the day, I am happy that so many of my friends, family, and acquaintances are having babies. But am I jealous? Hell YEAH, I am. It’s going on a year of failed cycles, and failed pregnancies and to tell you the truth, it sucks.
I am generally a positive person, but this is wearing on me. Every month that goes by ages me a year. You know, playing that game… ‘well, I’m 38 now and if I conceive NOW, I’ll be 39 when I deliver, but if I don’t get pregnant again until 2007, I’ll be inching to 40’. I don’t want to be 40 anyway, and certainly, I do not want to celebrate that birthday still trying for #2!!!
I just don’t.
So, I think I let jealousy get the better of me today. I’m sure I’ll stop sulking by the time I finish this post and drink my coffee. perhaps.